Honestly

In 2008 I started to write. I wrote because I had things that plagued my mind and tangled up my heart. I had things I needed to say, thoughts that needed a voice and emotions that needed expressing. That’s how I began, talking to Jesus and writing what pushed its way out of my soul. It was a compulsion of sorts. A dissertation of honest questing for answers to what quirked and twisted life around me. I just wanted answers from God about how to live in his presence, how to heal from the past and find joy in the now. I wanted to honestly share the hard stuff and the struggles while helping others also find healing. Those were my intentions. To write. To share. To speak. And not care about it pleasing anyone but my God.

The last year I have struggled to put pen to paper. I’ve had no easy answers or pretty little antidotes to share. I’ve had no words to motivate, no great revelations or insights to healing. I’ve been in a dark place where I was afraid to even write. I had decided that the ugly parts of life weren’t supposed to affect me anymore. Because God had healed me of so much baggage in my past, I felt like I should be this beacon of sunshine where nothing but hope shined out. So when life struggles hit hard, I felt powerless. When I began writing, I would have been blogging about every ugly emotion I was experiencing and telling the truth about my lack of faith. I would have shared just how loving and merciful God is even when I’m angry at everyone, including him. I would have shared how I pushed him away over and over and still he could say to me “Sherri, I have a plan.” I would have written about how he put loving arms in my path just to show He still cared. I would have shared how long suffering and forgiving He is, even when my actions don’t deserve it.

Writing had become something it wasn’t supposed to be. I got caught up in my own pride and wanted to be important. When all the time, I was already important without ever penning a stroke. I wanted to do “something great for God” but He wanted to be great in me. He didn’t need me to perform for him. He wanted to be enough for me, not make me enough for him.

In our world of Christianity its way to easy to get caught in the same trap that tripped me up. It’s easy to feel like you should be further along in your walk of righteousness and then pretend that you are. Satan wants us all to think we have to perform our way to heaven and if we are stumbling, we aren’t doing this thing right. The truth is, God knew all along we were sinful and sent His son because we needed Him. We need grace. We need to not have to perform our way to righteousness. Honestly, we are all, always just one sin away from falling. When we put down our pride and stop performing, then God can actually use our honesty. That’s why we need living daily grace. Just to live in honesty about where we are.

Eleven years later here I am back where I began. I’m going to write again. I’m going to live and write honestly. It may not always be pretty or sunshine, but it will be authentically me. Here’s my challenge to you. Can you be honest about where you are at? Can you give others judgement free daily grace? Can you throw out the scale of where you are on the level of righteousness? Can you commit to walking together honestly?