Love Her Like Jesus

Today, I just needed to speak what’s on my mind. Here we are, in the middle of a world wide pandemic, forced to be closed in our homes. Going on week… I don’t even know how long it has been now. But the truth is, close quarters has exacerbated what was already percolating inside of me. Right now, I am struggling emotionally. Right now, my marriage feels hard. Right now, life feels really difficult. Right now, all I can think about is where are the teachings in the church that shows how a good marriage works.

Truth bomb… Christian woman I talk to have the same issues in marriage. We all seem to struggle wondering how to fix what feels wrong. We all want our husbands to step up to the challenges of making our reality better. We all want our husbands to lead us, help us, take care of us. We want desperately to be loved by our man the way Jesus loves us. I don’t need to teach women how to love sacrificially, motherhood teaches us that. I don’t need to teach how to submit, we’ve all had that drilled into us.   

According to scripture, what I have been taught over and over about the roles in a marriage. The part played by both parties is the same.

Wives, submit yourself to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:22-28)   

Here are my very honest thoughts:

As someone who was single for a very long time; before deciding to remarry, submission was a difficult concept for me to embrace. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a journey learning to submit to the leadership of someone else. I might not come by it easily, but I do desire to do it humbly and honestly. 

From the beginning of time, woman has been inclined to take the lead and man has often gladly given it away. Because I know this, God continually exhorts me to voluntarily submit wholeheartedly to my husbands leadership. There are times I have to remind myself, this means even when my husband doesn’t deserve it. But by divine right, God has set him as the leader of our family and I know I can trust the goodness of God. As I submit when its difficult, I am reminded that nothing escapes God and I’m not accountable whether my husband is doing what is right before God. 

Through the years I have worked hard to do what God calls me to do. To stand down at times where I would rather pick up the reins and run to fix what challenges come our way. To encourage my husband and challenge him to step forward and make decisions. To charge the gates of heaven with prayer for his health, healing, holiness and transformation to be more like Christ. To be his helpmate and support the desires of his heart. To love even when it’s hard. And I will continue to do all these things no matter what my husband does right or wrong because God has called me to it.

There is no shortage of teaching concerning marriage as the topic that details what it means for a woman to submit to her husband. It seems to be spelled out for us in detail what it might look like for us to submit to one another. I have had the picture painted very clearly for me what my role should be and how it should look. But for men, they are told to love their wives as Jesus loves the church. And to this day, I have never heard it taught what that looks like in practical details. 

So I am going to try very hard to spell it out as I see it. From both a biblical standing and the viewpoint of a woman and wife. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. This is where it normally starts and ends with teaching. Love her like Jesus loves the church. Sacrifice like Jesus sacrificed himself for the church. 

Husbands love your wife with a sacrificial love. Every husband is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for his wife. If someone was holding a gun to you both saying one of you is going to die; most husbands would sacrifice themselves. Most husbands would tell the person holding the gun to kill them and let his wife go. Most men would do the noble thing and die for her. But here’s the question, will you live for her? Sacrifice is not a one time act, its a day-by-day dying to your selfishness and ego for her sake.

Are you willing to make the sacrifice day-by-day? Will you hold loosely to your time and make sure you are investing it in her? Will you put boundaries around your work, personal interest and responsibilities so you make sure she comes in first place? What about your preferences so you can concede to hers? Will you sacrifice your preferences with a joyful heart with no feeling of injustice or selfishness?  Will you let go of some of your dreams so she can achieve hers? Will you ferociously eradicate the sin in yourself so you can be the best version of you for her? Will you live more for her good than for your own? Will you consider all the sacrifice as an honor instead of feeling burdened by it?

We could stop there and if done successfully, every woman would be in awe and feel deeply loved but lets keep going because the verse doesn’t stop there. Paul says the reason Jesus sacrificed himself for his bride, the church, is for her sanctification. He gave himself up to make her holy. Jesus calls husbands to love their wives with a sanctifying love. He died so the church would be set apart for the service of God. Husbands will you sacrifice yourself day-to-day in order to set apart your wife for service to God? 

Your wife exists to bring Glory to God, together with you, but first individually. She was set apart to God. Yes, to be your helper but first to be God’s servant. And she was only given to you so you could help her be even-better at being set apart to God. 

She exists first to bring glory to God. This means your task as a husband is to be committed to helping her unleash her gifts, talents, passions and interest to bring the greatest glory to God. Not with reservation that it might hinder you glorifying God or hinder your agenda. But with complete abandon knowing what she feels called to might deduct from you and your interest. Will you sacrifice yourself in order to make sure she becomes all God has called her to be and to do? 

Paul goes on saying this; cleansing her by washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Husbands, do you love with a purifying love? If a wife is to submit, then a husband is to lead. A wife can not follow aimless wandering. The call for a husband is leading, guiding and assisting your wife to greater holiness. Jesus cleanses his bride by washing her with water through the word. The call to a husband is to grow in holiness himself and lead the way by the word of God. This means not just understanding or knowing the word but being changed by, on fire by it, with it burning sanctification in you soul. It is not enough to just read your Bible everyday, say a prayer and hope for the best. You must ask God to take the pride from your heart and bring true humility to you. How can you possibly lead where you have never been or refuse to go? You must first identify your own sin and ruthlessly put it to death. The task of growing in greater holiness, love and character falls to you as the leader. A husband is to drench himself in the word and then lead his family in the gospel. You are the bible leader, prayer leader, and the worship leader. Are you washing your wife with the water through the word as Jesus does the church? If you do nothing else, step up to leadership and read the Bible and pray with your wife. 

All leaders are set to, and accountable for, a higher standard before God.  Most importantly is the leadership position of husband. One day everyone of us will stand before God and account for our lives. A husband will account for not just himself but the family that he was put in leadership of. God will ask him what he did with the woman he was gifted with. Did he lead her to greater glory for God or leave her unguided. Did he guide her towards holiness or damage her heart? Did he languish in his own sin leaving her with no direction? Did he hold her up to be all God called her to be or did he allow his own ego and selfish ambition to ruin her soul with hurt and anger.  

It’s time for the church to step into the positions they have been given of glorifying God and stop the advancement of the enemy in marriage. Will you do your part.